I pull off the lot of a car dealership in a brand new car. It’s bright blue, has everything I wanted, and is at a payment that I can afford. I am living the dream. So why am I crying? Full on, heaving sobs, pull over in an empty lot, ugly crying? I should be happy! I just traded two cars that were dragging on me financially and could have broken at any moment for this perfect Big Blue bombshell. What was wrong with me? I’ll tell you: I didn’t trust myself at all. I had made a few very bad decisions with my finances that had gotten me into loads of debt (see the full story here: The Biggest Failure). I had made the changes I needed to, I was making progress on the debt but there was still a lot of it. How could it be possible to have gotten the car I wanted and have it be a good financial decision? I thought for sure I had made the same mistake I had in the past and I was destined to live this life forever. I had a good cry, I called my aunt before I was done. After she determined that I was ok and not in any danger, she very nearly laughed at me. She told me I had made a great decision and that this was good news and I was on my way to making even more progress on my debt. I believe my response was something like, “Really? Oh.”
She was right of course. I had done the research, gotten the right car for me, and negotiated a rate that worked for my budget. I had been completely willing to leave if they couldn’t make it fit in my budget but they had. Not only had I made a great choice and dropped my monthly costs significantly, I had gotten what I wanted. It seemed too good to be true but there it was. With my monthly costs lower and my income rising I was putting hundreds of dollars towards my debt every month, sometimes well over a thousand. So why then, was I so upset when I left? Why didn’t I believe that it was the right call. I could see the numbers. I knew it was the right call but I was panicking in a way I possibly never had before. Certainly not about money. I have always been decisive. I don’t like uncertainty so I make a decision and usually stick with it, even when it’s not always the best choice. Ultimately, the choice I make usually works. I have good instincts and usually make good choices. Finding myself in the position I was about 5 months before this experience was foreign to me. I had always been able to trust myself so knowing that it was my decisions that had led me to such a scary place made me feel like I had been fooling myself. Like all of the good decisions I had made before only worked well because of luck and that it had nothing to do with me and my instincts. This was not true but it would take me years to really believe that, even though I said it to myself every day.
Rebuilding trust with anyone is hard. It feels like rebuilding trust with yourself should be easier but it’s not. I’d argue that in many ways it’s harder. Most of the decisions we make every day are our own. Hopefully for you, they’re generally working out. From little decisions like regular or decaf coffee to big ones like should I quit my job and start a business are all decisions we trust ourselves to make. We get input from others but ultimately, the choice is our own. So what happens when a decision you trusted yourself to make blows up in your face causing damage that will have far reaching consequences? Decisions like this will happen to everyone, to varying degrees. Business related or not, we all make choices that affect the rest of our lives. Sometimes they’re good and sometimes they’re not. The kicker is, we never get to stop making decisions. When you break your leg you get off of it. You’re told to rest it until it’s healed to the point of being able to hold you again. When we make a bad choice we don’t get to just not make any more decisions for a while. We don’t get less choices or to “rest” our decision maker. We have to keep going, all the while remembering that sometimes, we’re wrong, and this might be one of those times. So how do we move forward with such a terrifying idea looming over us? It’s not easy, but it is simple.
First, you have probably made some good decisions. Write them down, or chant them in your head. Remind yourself of the good results that came from them. Remember that one, two, several bad decisions doesn’t mean you can’t make good ones. Learn from the mistakes and make a better choice next time. Even if it’s not perfect, it will give you information to put you on the right track going forward.
Second, remember that you are not alone. You might just say this to yourself but I encourage you to find other entrepreneurs or like minded people to share with. It can be extremely cathartic to sit down with people who have been through similar things and talk about some of the challenges you’re facing. Find people you can trust that will be honest with you if they think you’re making a mistake and will support you if it’s too late and you just need to connect with someone. These groups don’t have to be business related either, mommy/daddy groups, neighborhood groups, there are all kinds.
Finally, get yourself a couple barometers. I don’t mean literal barometers but a few people that know you very well and are willing to call you out when you need it and love you no matter what. I have about 4 people that help me with this. They are all very smart and accomplished in their own rights but completely unrelated to my chosen field. They are always willing to listen to me complain or vent about a problem, brainstorm solutions, and make sure I’m on the right track. These people are more valuable than gold. Cultivate these relationships and be there for them as they are for you.
Trusting yourself can be one of the hardest things to do, especially when you’re starting a business. It’s also one of the most important. How have you learned to trust yourself?
Next week we’ll talk about imposter syndrome!